


what do i do (without you)

by springty



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:28:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27143134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/springty/pseuds/springty
Summary: nastya goes Out. brian is left with the effect this has on jonny.
Relationships: Drumbot Brian & Jonny d'Ville
Comments: 5
Kudos: 70





	what do i do (without you)

**Author's Note:**

> title from woke up new by the mountain goats

Brian knew, in an instant, that something wasn’t right.

It wasn’t just because someone was accessing one of the airlocks, even though that was already a red flag. No, someone was accessing the airlocks, and Aurora, he could tell, was not happy about it. She didn’t say anything to him, but she didn’t have to. He had been both her pilot and her friend long enough to read her signals, and she had never responded so severely to the airlock being opened in the past. So he left the bridge to investigate.

By the time he got there, whoever it was had already made their exit via airlock, and Jonny stood there, alone.

Crying.

Jonny was standing in front of the airlock, _crying_ , and Brian had never seen him like this before. If he thought something was wrong before, now he knew for certain that whatever had happened, it was even worse.

“Jonny?”

The first mate spun around, looking caught off guard. “...Brian.” His voice broke, and he didn’t even bother trying to play it off. It wasn’t that this was the first time Brian had seen Jonny cry, but it was the first time he had seen him do it so openly, without trying to bluster through it like nothing was wrong. He took a few breaths before he collected himself well enough to continue speaking; Brian watched him with eyebrows furrowed in concern. “She- she’s _gone_ ,” he said eventually.

Brian was equal parts confused and concerned. “Who…” And then his eyes fell upon the glint of quicksilver on Jonny’s hand, and he knew. “Nastya,” he said in quiet realization. “Jonny, what happened?”

“She left!” he snapped, tears still flowing with no sign of stopping. “She fucking left.”

Left? _Nastya?_ That was… concerning, to say the least. Nastya never left the Aurora, and surely she would have said something, and they were in the middle of nowhere, anyway. Brian’s head was spinning, but Jonny seemed distraught enough already, so he didn’t do anything but try to calm him. “I’m sure she’ll be back,” he insisted, hoping he was right.

“She said she wasn’t,” Jonny choked out, and Brian froze.

“She… what?”

“I asked her when she would be back, and she said ‘ _probably won’t_ ’.” Jonny was still crying, hadn’t stopped.

He would have sworn he felt his heart stop. _Probably won’t_. The words rang over and over in his mind, and he didn’t get it, and he didn’t know what he could possibly say to Jonny right now. “Oh.” Nastya, in the void of space, and all he could manage was a hollow _oh._

He had become lost in his own grief and confusion for a moment, brought back when Jonny spoke again. “It’s my fault,” he heard him say. Brian’s head was ringing and it took a moment for the words to register; Jonny went on. “I should have _stopped her_.”

“Oh, Jonny…” And that was just like him, wasn’t it? Of course Jonny would say it was his fault. As much as he always acted like he didn’t care, he did care, so _much_ , and Brian knew that. Their self-proclaimed captain had always been, at his core, so fiercely protective of his crew. And especially of Nastya. “I don’t know what you could have done,” he said gently.

“I could have shot her in the head and dragged her ass back to bed! I should have done _something_ , not just let her throw herself out of the fucking airlock! I-” And all at once, Jonny just collapsed, and Brian barely caught him in time. The first mate was dead weight in his arms, though luckily Brian could carry him with ease. He slung him over his shoulder as gingerly as he could manage. Jonny was quiet, his body wracked with noiseless, convulsive sobs that gradually became fewer.

Brian carried Jonny to his room and laid him down on his bed delicately. “Get some rest,” he said gently. There would be time enough to talk properly in the morning. After Brian set him down, he felt Jonny’s hand grab his wrist.

“Don’t go,” he said, as meek as Brian had ever heard him. It made him suddenly remember how young Jonny had been when Dr. Carmilla had mechanized him. “Not you too.”  
Brian could almost hear his heart break at that. “Of course not.” He crawled into the bed with him. He tentatively put an arm around him, and was relieved when Jonny relaxed into his touch rather than recoil from it. Eventually, Jonny fell asleep to the gentle whirring of Brian’s machinery. Brian, of course, did not sleep, simply lying in anticipation of the next day’s fallout.

When Jonny awoke in the morning, there were no more tears. Now there was only anger.

“I don’t fucking _get it_!” he’d snapped. Brian winced as he watched him slam his foot into the wall of the ship, and he was grateful he hadn’t yet found his gun. “She was happy! I thought she was happy!”

Brian swallowed. “Did she say… why?” Even if she did, Brian wasn’t sure that the answer would give him any comfort. He asked anyway.

“The fucking ship,” Jonny spat. “Said she wasn’t the same ship anymore. Took some hunk of metal with her and said it was all that was left. And that’s - it’s fucking bullshit! It’s still the same fucking ship, I don’t-”

“Oh. That’s not…” He knew what Nastya had meant, but he didn’t think it was true. He didn’t know Aurora as well as she did, that was true. But he was the only one who seemed to understand her half as well. And to him, Aurora was still Aurora, but perhaps he didn’t know as well as Nastya. He sighed deeply. “I don’t think that’s true, but I don’t know that I could have convinced her.” 

  
Life aboard the Aurora was strange after Nastya’s exit. Everything felt wrong. She had been a constant in all of their lives for millenia, and now she was gone. And the Mechanisms did not know how to grieve, least of all one of their own. Jonny became even more violent and irritable than usual, but sometimes the mask slipped.

One day, Brian walked through the ship to find the door to Nastya’s room slightly ajar. No one had set foot in there since she left. He pushed the door open all the way and walked inside. It was Jonny. Standing by Nastya’s bed, changing her sheets. He looked up and saw him.

“What are you doing?” Brian asked him, though he supposed what he meant to ask was, _why?_

“Making her bed.” He paused. “Just… just in case, you know?” He could immediately tell Jonny felt like a fool for saying it. “I don’t know. It’s dumb, but… in case she comes back.”

Brian had begun to come to terms with the fact that Nastya probably wasn’t coming back, but he didn’t say that to Jonny. Didn’t tell him it was a dumb thought to entertain, even if it might have been. Right now, he could justify a lie by omission, for the sake of preserving this small comfort Jonny had found. “I understand,” he said gently. Moments later, Brian wasn’t sure how, he was holding the first mate against chest, carding his metal fingers through his hair. “I’m sure she would appreciate it.” Distantly, Brian thought that he would as well, and then thought that if he ever were to follow Nastya’s lead, he wouldn’t come back either.

Of course, that was a distant future, even if it was one he saw coming. He didn’t mention it to Jonny. How could he? Not now. Now, he just held Jonny in his arms and listened to the clockwork ticking of his heart, and he hoped that wherever Nastya was, she had found peace. He hoped they both would someday too.

  
  



End file.
